


i will never breathe your love again

by bubblegumhalsey



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Literally all angst, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mentions of Cancer, Sad, cashton if you squint, im terrible at tagging, ive been wanting to write this for a while, loads of swearing, lowercase intended, mentions of drug use, tfios references, the end sucks, tons of screaming and crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-13 03:50:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4506621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblegumhalsey/pseuds/bubblegumhalsey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>luke couldn't breathe. his brain was whirring, filled with millions of thoughts, but one was screaming louder than the others.<br/>michael. his michael.<br/>or, the one where michael is dying and luke needs him more than he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i will never breathe your love again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jonbovi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonbovi/gifts).



michael had moments left. he had seconds until his eyes closed for the last time, until he saw luke, his beautiful luke for the last time. there was a lump in his throat from the tears he had cried, the screaming, the "this-isn't-real"s whispered into his skin by the beautiful blonde boy who had been beside him since his diagnosis.

luke was sat in a chair that had been pulled over to the side of his bed, clutching michael's hand like his life depended on it as silent tears flowed freely from his red-rimmed eyes, only making the blue more prominent. michael saw the absolute dread in his eyes, the anger that michael had to be taken away from life so soon, but he also saw the disappointment. luke was disappointed in michael.

the room was silent except for luke's sniffles and the monotone beeps of the heart monitor that measured the rest of his life. michael tried to form words, tried to scream out, but he couldn't speak. he closed his eyes, frustrated beyond belief. a small nurse who couldn't have been much older than michael and luke walked in, her eyes filled with despair. they all knew why she was there. they all knew about michael's parents in the waiting room, screaming and crying that their baby had to be taken away, but telling the doctors to pull the plug anyway. they should've been in here instead of luke, but luke couldn't bear to leave michael. he couldn't bear to see the look on daryl and karen's face as they came out from michael's room, their faces whiter than chalk as they whispered out their condolences.

"sweetie, i'm going to need you to leave," the nurse said to luke, pulling him out of his thoughts. his mind was filling with the thoughts of how-would-he-go-ons and why-was-the-world-so-cruels. but he couldn't leave. he couldn't leave michael.

"no, i'm not leaving him," luke heard himself say, his voice quiet and hoarse from tears. the nurse sighed as she shot luke a look, the kind of look he had been getting quite a bit recently, the look of i'm-sorry. luke knew what they were going to do. he knew that in mere seconds, they were going to take michael off of the one thing that he needed most. they were going to stop his heart from beating, they were going to give him drugs to lessen his pain, and it was unfair.

it was unfair that michael got pain killers, but all that luke got was the lasting memory of his one true love and the reminders of what could've happened. they both had so much to live for, but michael was never going to see another day. michael was ready, ready to take his last breath, but luke wasn't ready to let him go.

"please, just give us one more minute. i need one more minute with him," luke breathed out, a weak panic evident in the back of his voice. the urgency to keep michael alive, to keep him by his side rose to the top of his priority list. he needed michael, he needed to keep him breathing. he was his anchor, the reason he was living, the reason for anything good in the world.

michael looked over at luke, tears falling freely from his eyes as his grip on luke's hand loosened. luke looked over at him, forcing a small smile as he ran his thumb over michael's knuckles.

"i always told you that if you kept dyeing your hair it would all fall out," luke said, causing michael to crack the smallest smile luke had ever seen. a doctor came into their room a few moments later, followed by 3 nurses and michael's parents. the doctor had a clipboard and a name tag that read "dr. quinn".

"michael clifford?" dr. quinn asked, looking down at his clipboard before looking back at michael, who's face was as white as a ghost. karen nodded, her eyes glassy with tears.

"everyone in here is family, i presume?" he asked, causing luke to tense. daryl nodded this time, causing dr. quinn to shoot luke a strange look, although he shrugged it off. michael looked over at luke, his eyes wide, and luke knew his boyfriend was close to crying once again.

"i'll give you three time to say your goodbyes," the doctor said, causing a strangled sob from the corner of the room where karen and daryl were sat.

daryl stood up, his hand resting on karen's shoulder as she sobbed into his. the look of devastation on daryl's face was too much for luke to bear, so luke looked down at the floor as opposed to daryl's face. the only thing worse than biting it from cancer is having a kid bite it from cancer.

daryl and karen, in all their sobbing majesty, knelt beside michael's bed, karen sobbing into his bedsheet and daryl crying out goodbyes or whatever. luke couldn't breathe. his brain was whirring, filled with millions of thoughts, but one was screaming louder than the others.

michael. his michael.

luke only noticed daryl and karen had finished speaking when he felt a hand on his forearm. he looked up, noticing that it was only him and michael in the room.

"michael...," he whispered, tears bubbling in his eyes again. he couldn't think about anything except michael, his michael who would soon be gone from the world.

"michael gordon clifford, i-" the words got stuck in his throat. he was powering down, shutting off, because he couldn't live without michael. the severity of everything killed luke more than anything else.

"goddamit, i love you so much. i love you so fucking much," he choked out, clutching his boyfriend's wrist in his hand. he could feel the bones against his fingers, how his beautiful boy had been reduced to flesh and bones. luke's fingers trailed up mike's arm to his shoulder, so defined and pale and beautiful. his hand trailed up his neck, to his cheek, where his fingers ghosted along every curve of his face.

"i'm going to miss you so much. oh my god mikey, don't leave me. please, don't leave me," he sobbed out, his voice strained as sobs began to rack through his body. he wanted michael, he wanted him to stay. they had so much more to live for, so many more days. they had a family to start, they had a house to buy, they had a life to live. together.

"please," he whispered as he stood up from his chair beside michael's bed. he sunk to his knees beside the bed, sobbing into the bed sheets and screaming as loud as he could. he didn't know how long he was screaming, it was probably only seconds at most, but all he knew was that he was getting pulled away from his place at the side of the bed, screaming still and kicking his legs frantically.

"no! let me see him! let me talk to him!" he shrieked at the top of his lungs. he managed to elbow whoever it was in the whatever-body-part, and scrambled toward michael. he got down on one knee, pressing his lips to michael's, his lips pulled into a firm line. michael gasped, causing luke to pull away.

"michael fucking gordon clifford, you just had to get terminal brain cancer didn't you? you couldn't wait until after i planned the fucking engagement, could you? you couldn't wait until after i proposed, no, you just had to be given a number of days to live, didn't you? i fucking love you so goddamned much michael," he cried, trying to sound angered.

but he couldn't.

"jesus christ michael, i just wanted to get married to you. i had a big fucking diamond to give you. i still do, but it doesn't matter anymore mike. you're going to be gone, you're going to be michael clifford, the youngest person in the local newspaper to have an obituary, and i'm going to be left without you. i love you so much, so much michael. why did this have to happen to us?" luke asked helplessly, pulling a small box out of his back pocket.

 

"michael gordon clifford, will you mar- no, no, let me rephrase this. mikey, you are the love of my fucking life. i can't live without you, without knowing that you died my fiance. mike, will you-"

"yes," luke heard a small voice say. luke took michael's hand, slipping the ring onto his finger. luke's breath caught in his throat when he saw the nurses and doctor in the doorway, watching their every move. luke stood up, tears streaming down his face as he broke into a grin, laughing humorlessly.

the staff walked in, and all luke remembered after that was screaming, shrieking, kicking, shaking, dying, because he was getting dragged away from the bed where the love of his goddamned life was going to take his last breath without luke. he screamed michael's name as calum and ashton, who had been in the waiting room, dragged him by his arms out of his boyfriend's hospital room. he should've gotten one last look at his beautiful boy while he was living, but he was too busy biting at their hands, shrieking and kicking at nothing.

all that he remembered after that was hearing that michael was dead.

—

at michael's funeral, luke wore a suit.

luke never wore a suit.

he walked into the funeral hall, and saw a coffin, a simple black coffin, waiting mockingly on the other side of the room. luke slowly made his way toward it, hearing people try to talk to him and responding in short, snappy sentences. he needed to see michael.

when luke reached michael's motionless corpse, he remembered everything.

he remembered all their dates, all the times michael called luke an idiot and luke laughed it off, all the times michael dyed his hair and made luke pick the color. he remembered the diagnosis, the chemotherapy where michael asked if luke would shave his head and luke didn't know if he could. he remembered michael getting a number, a number that meant he only had a certain number of weeks, days, hours, minutes.

and luke couldn't handle any of it.

he saw the sparkle of the engagement ring on his finger, and he reached into the coffin, running a hand over the ring and michael's hand. both were cold, freezing even, and luke couldn't bare it. he dropped to his knees, and began sobbing into his hands.

somebody rested their palm on his back, whispering to him to get up and come to his seat. he did, following them to a spot close to the front. he had a crumpled up piece of paper in his pocket that had a badly written eulogy scribbled onto it, watermarks staining it from all the tears.

he looked up, trying to pay attention to the service, but he couldn't. not when michael was here in this room, lying dead, waiting to get buried, never to see the light of day again.

he stood up when he was told it was time to give his speecg, and he walked toward the front. he stood at the podium, and cleared his throat.

"michael wouldn't have wanted this. michael would have wanted a celebration of his life, not a mourning of his death. he would've wanted banners that said 'i'm finally gone!' and a cake, because that kid was obsessed with cake. but the world is not a wish-granting factory, and not everything happens how we want it to. on the day of his death, i proposed to michael gordon clifford. i don't know what i wanted to happened. i guess i hoped he wouldn't pass away, and we could get married, and have a baby, and a house, and a mortgage, and we could make a life together. i wanted forever with him, but all i got was 5 years. one of those years i wasted hating him, two of those years i was too oblivious to ask him out, but the last two years, they've been the best. he-" luke couldn't finish, because he started sobbing violently. ashton came up to the podium, wrapping an arm around his waist and guiding him out of the hall.

ashton brought him to his car, and soon calum came running out as well. luke was struggling for air, and with every breath he'd mumble michael's name.

"you want me to drive you home?" ashton asked, and luke nodded frantically, tears still leaking from his eyes. ashton picked him up, placing him in the passenger's seat and sitting down in the driver's seat.

they drove to luke and michael's apartment in silence.

—

luke didn't care about anything anymore. he moved in with calum and ashton the day after he cleared out his old apartment. he wasn't doing well at all.

he started taking things to make the pain go away. he'd meet people in the dangerous parts of the neighborhoods so that they'd give him illegal painkillers. he'd disappear into the bathroom for hours, and stumble out, always higher than the last time.

he went out every night and came home with somebody who smelled like weed and bud lite. there was never a night when luke didn't forget about michael though.

because he was still hopelessly in love with him. and he was still engaged to him. and he was still so goddamned broken.

because michael was his compass, and now?

now luke was lost.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, so yeah, this is my first fic on ao3, comment what you thought of it? thanks!
> 
> \- ashlyn


End file.
